From billa@fhcrc.org Thu Jun 13 11:08:44 1996 Received: from lucy.cs.wisc.edu (lucy.cs.wisc.edu [128.105.2.11]) by sea.cs.wisc.edu (8.6.12/8.6.12) with ESMTP id LAA21762 for ; Thu, 13 Jun 1996 11:08:37 -0500 Received: from spider. ([140.107.32.13]) by lucy.cs.wisc.edu (8.6.12/8.6.12) with ESMTP id LAA26031 for ; Thu, 13 Jun 1996 11:08:35 -0500 Received: by spider. (SMI-8.6/SMI-SVR4) id JAA28757; Thu, 13 Jun 1996 09:07:53 -0700 Date: Thu, 13 Jun 1996 09:07:53 -0700 (PDT) From: Bill Alford X-Sender: billa@spider To: Findings list Subject: HUM: National Park Humor (**1/2) (fwd) Message-ID: MIME-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII There are some pretty funny stories here, but the one liners at the bottom are hillarious, or sad, I can't figure out which. Bill Alford --- billa@fhcrc.org | Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center | *your favorite quote here* 1124 Columbia Street, B1-030 | Seattle, WA 98104 Ph# (206) 667-5499 | ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Wed, 12 Jun 1996 20:38:01 -0400 From: Steven A. Willoughby To: humour-list@synapse.net Subject: HUM: National Park Humor (**1/2) Wildlife stories A visitor to Glacier National Park in Montana lost his car keys while attempting to lure a ground squirrel by dangling the keys out in front of the critter. The squirrel grabbed the keys and ran down a hole with them. The keys were never retrieved, a ranger cited the man for harassment of wildlife, and a locksmith was called to make new car keys. ..... putting our loved ones at risk for a photo In May of 1994, Tony Moore, 43, of Marietta, Georgia, was gored and seriously injured by a large male bison in Yellowstone, next to the Lake Hotel. Moore and a friend had approached to within 15 feet of the bison to have their pictures taken. While they were standing with their backs to the animal, it charged. Moore's companion escaped, but Moore received a severe puncture wound in his right thigh and was taken by ambulance to a hospital in Jackson for treatment. ..... watching for falling rocks A visitor setting up camp at Lake Eleanor in Yosemite National Park hit herself on the head with a rock while trying to string up her food to protect it from bears. ..... requesting assistance In 1994, a woman visiting from the Bay Area embarked on a solo hike to the summit of El Capitan in Yosemite. When she became lost and saw a storm brewing, she called 911 from her cellular phone and asked to be rescued. A helicopter found her barely off the trail and one-fourth to half a mile from the top of El Cap. When the 'copter lifted off and the woman saw how close she was to her summit goal, she asked the crew to set her down on top. When the crew declined, she threatened to sue them for kidnapping. .... caring for the creatures A woman, appearing rather distraught, came into the visitor center at Redwood National Park in California to report that she had seen several Irish setters lying along the edge of the highway and she feared they were dead or injured. Rangers explained to her that these were pieces of redwood bark that had fallen off logging trucks. ..... asking for directions Darryl Stone, now superintendent at Jefferson National Expansion Memorial in St. Louis, remembered working the entrance station at Yosemite when a woman drove up and asked, "Which way are the geysers?" Ranger Stone directed her to continue 1,000 miles further to Yellowstone and told her there were no geysers at Yosemite. "Yes, there are," she said. "I have a friend who saw them." Stone and the woman went round and round several times before she left, insisting that there were geysers at Yosemite. Later she wrote a letter to the chief ranger complaining that Stone had refused to provide her with the information she wanted. ..... back-seat driving, as always When an elderly couple stopped to film some bears at Dunraven Pass in Yellowstone, a young bear crawled into their car searching for food. Unable to make the bear leave, the exasperated (but well-dressed) couple drove about 17 miles to the ranger station at Canyon Village with the bear in the backseat. When the husband got out to report the incident, the bear hopped over into the front seat so that investigating rangers found the woman in the passenger seat and the bear behind the wheel. ..... all tuckered out from our day hikes In 1993 a woman called 911 from the top of Half Dome using her cellular phone. According to dispatch, she reported: "Well, I'm at the top and I'm really tired." The answering ranger asked if she felt sick. "No," she said, "I'm just really tired and I want my friends to drive to the base and pick me up."The dispatcher explained that she would have to hike down the trail she had ascended. The visitor replied, "But you don't understand, I'm really tired." What happened next? "It turned out we got really lucky," the ranger said,"her phone battery died." .... taking mementos home with us Each year visitors to Petrified Forest National Park in Arizona pocket an estimated 12 tons of petrified wood to take home (despite numerous warnings not to take wood and the fact that this criminal violation carries a minimum fine of $275). Some years back, several female foreign visitors, clad only in bikinis, were observed hiding wood in their garments. Another time, rangers received a report that a man had put a large piece of wood in his car. Upon searching his vehicle, they found a 40-pound piece of petrified wood in his trunk. According to rangers, this visitor said he didn't know how it got there. "My four-year-old son must have put it in there," the man said. ..... ever alert to terrorism A group of European visitors came into the Wawona ranger station in Yosemite National Park and said, "Our car is parked at the trail head and it's been blown up by terrorists." Though rangers expressed some doubt, the visitors insisted that a bomb had exploded in their car and that they could see powder residue from the explosives. Investigating rangers indeed found that a door had been torn off and a powder-like substance--pancake flour--was strewn about the car."They were quite embarrassed when we showed them the bear prints," the ranger said. .... ignoring the sage advice of rangers A camper at Long Pine Key in Everglades National Park decided to take a dip in the lake with her dog despite signs saying "No swimming--Danger--Alligators."She swam to an island about 75 yards from the shore, then saw some alligators and refused to swim back. "Didn't you see the signs?" asked the ranger who retrieved her in a canoe. "Sure," she said, "but I didn't think they applied to me." "Park incidents were compiled by writer Debra Shore, a frequent contributor to Outside. "What time do they let the animals out in the park?" --Visitor at Denali National Park "Why did the Indians only build ruins?" --Visitor at the Grand Canyon "What is your best parking area?" --Visitor at Zion National Park "Where's the road to the summit?" --Visitor at Mount Rainier National Park "Don't you think the polluted sky makes a much prettier sunset?" --Visitor at Indiana Dunes National Lakeshore Grand Canyon National Park: Was this man-made? Do you light it up at night? I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom--where is it? Is the mule train air-conditioned? So where are the faces of the presidents? Everglades National Park: Are the alligators real? Are the baby alligators for sale? Where are all the rides? What time does the two o'clock bus leave? Mesa Verde National Park: Did people build this, or did Indians? Why did they build the ruins so close to the road? Do you know of any undiscovered ruins? What did they worship in the kivas--their own made-up religion? Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado? Carlsbad Caverns National Park: How much of the cave is underground? So what's in the unexplored part of the cave? Does it ever rain in here? How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up? So what is this--just a hole in the ground? Yosemite National Park: Where are the cages for the animals? What time of year do you turn on Yosemite Falls? What happened to the other half of Half Dome? Can I get my picture taken with the carving of President Clinton? Denali National Park: What time do you feed the bears? What's so wonderful about Wonder Lake? Can you show me where yeti lives? How often do you mow the tundra? How much does Mount McKinley weigh? Yellowstone National Park: Does Old Faithful erupt at night? How do you turn it on? When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep? We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits? \\|// (o o) THE ORACLE SERVICE HUMOR MAILING LIST ~~~~~~~~~~~~oOOo~(_)~oOOo~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Steve Willoughby's E-mail: SUBSCRIPTION -- It's FREE!: --------------------------- ---------------------------- oracle@synapse.net To subscribe to the Oracle's st944wk3@post.drexel.edu mail list, send a message with only the word SUBSCRIBE in the body (not the subject) of the message to: WWW Site humour-list-request@lists.synapse.net ------------- http://www.synapse.net/~oracle/Contents/HumorArch.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ From gach@chemeng.cheme.washington.edu Thu Jun 13 17:11:31 1996 Received: from lucy.cs.wisc.edu (lucy.cs.wisc.edu [128.105.2.11]) by sea.cs.wisc.edu (8.6.12/8.6.12) with ESMTP id RAA03011 for ; Thu, 13 Jun 1996 17:11:25 -0500 Received: from mailhost1.cac.washington.edu (mailhost1.cac.washington.edu [140.142.32.2]) by lucy.cs.wisc.edu (8.6.12/8.6.12) with SMTP id RAA03032; Thu, 13 Jun 1996 17:11:23 -0500 Received: from chemeng.cheme.washington.edu by mailhost1.cac.washington.edu (5.65+UW96.04/UW-NDC Revision: 2.33 ) id AA11482; Thu, 13 Jun 96 15:11:19 -0700 Message-Id: Date: 13 Jun 1996 15:05:30 -0800 From: "Ray Gach" Subject: FWD>>Cup Holder To: "Bill Alford" , "Verna Blackhurst" , "Barbara Fulton" , "Curt Gach" , "Kathy Gach" , "Robert Gach" , "Randa Knudsen" , "Humor Listing" , "Dave Marks" , "Vivian Sabiniano" , "Tara Trowbridge" , "Judy Watson" , "Marc Wilson" , "Patricia Wilson" , "Gina Zagala" , "Greg Zimlich" X-Mailer: Mail*Link SMTP/QM 3.0.0 Mail*Link(r) SMTP FWD>>Cup Holder Some people just shouldn't be using computers ;) -------------------------------------- Date: 6/13/96 3:00 PM From: Mady Lund -------------------------------------- A friend of a friend of a friend of mine was on the phone with a tech rep from another company. That tech rep called in to ask some questions about system setup, as the company this tech works for actually sells, installs and warranties systems. While they were on the phone, this tech rep received an incoming call, which he took after. When the caller hung up, the tech rep came back on the phone, laughing like a crazy person. This is the call he took: Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?" Tech Rep: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" Tech Rep: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?" Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." Tech Rep: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotion, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?" Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive. From gach@chemeng.cheme.washington.edu Fri Jun 14 18:29:29 1996 Received: from lucy.cs.wisc.edu (lucy.cs.wisc.edu [128.105.2.11]) by sea.cs.wisc.edu (8.6.12/8.6.12) with ESMTP id SAA28637 for ; Fri, 14 Jun 1996 18:29:20 -0500 Received: from mailhost1.cac.washington.edu (mailhost1.cac.washington.edu [140.142.32.2]) by lucy.cs.wisc.edu (8.6.12/8.6.12) with SMTP id SAA20676; Fri, 14 Jun 1996 18:29:18 -0500 Received: from chemeng.cheme.washington.edu by mailhost1.cac.washington.edu (5.65+UW96.04/UW-NDC Revision: 2.33 ) id AA03713; Fri, 14 Jun 96 16:29:05 -0700 Message-Id: Date: 14 Jun 1996 16:27:05 -0800 From: "Ray Gach" Subject: FWD> To: "Bill Alford" , "Verna Blackhurst" , "Barbara Fulton" , "Curt Gach" , "Kathy Gach" , "Robert Gach" , "Randa Knudsen" , "Humor Listing" , "Dave Marks" , "Vivian Sabiniano" , "Tara Trowbridge" , "Judy Watson" , "Marc Wilson" , "Patricia Wilson" , "Gina Zagala" , "Greg Zimlich" X-Mailer: Mail*Link SMTP/QM 3.0.0 Slightly filther, but funny, though! FYI, Newf is short for Newfoundland (a big dog). -------------------------------------- Date: 6/14/96 4:22 PM From: Margaret Kramer >... > Three dogs are sitting at the vet talking. The first one, an Akita, >starts off " Man I hate this . I've been fighting with all the neighbor >dogs, and now I have to be neutered." The second one, a Beagle, says "I >know what you mean. I've been howling and barking all night and I have to be >neutered too." They turn to the third, a Newf, and asked, "What are you in >for?" He turnes to the other two, "Well the other day my mistress was taking >a shower. She bends over and to pick up the soap and I lost control and >jumped her." "Ahhh." the other two nodded. " You here to get neutered too!" >"Nope" the Newf says,"Here to get my nails trimmed!" Hope this brightens your day.