From gach@cheme.washington.edu Mon Feb 24 13:42:22 1997 Received: from lucy.cs.wisc.edu (lucy.cs.wisc.edu [128.105.2.11]) by sea.cs.wisc.edu (8.6.12/8.6.12) with ESMTP id NAA24939 for ; Mon, 24 Feb 1997 13:41:17 -0600 Received: from mailhost1.cac.washington.edu (mailhost1.cac.washington.edu [140.142.32.2]) by lucy.cs.wisc.edu (8.7.6/8.7.3) with ESMTP id NAA13817 for ; Mon, 24 Feb 1997 13:41:14 -0600 (CST) Received: from cheme.washington.edu (mail.cheme.washington.edu [128.95.214.5]) by mailhost1.cac.washington.edu (8.8.4+UW96.12/8.8.4+UW96.12) with SMTP id LAA15115; Mon, 24 Feb 1997 11:39:16 -0800 Message-ID: Date: 24 Feb 1997 11:39:05 -0800 From: "Ray Gach" Subject: FWD>Hmmm, some handy facts. To: "Fedva @ Dikmen" , "Bill Alford" , "Verna Blackhurst" , "Barbara Fulton" , "Curt Gach" , "Kathy Gach" , "Kimi Gach" , "Robert Gach" , "Randa Knudsen" , "Humor Listing" , "Dave Marks" , "John Romero" , "Vivian Sabiniano" , "Tara Trowbridge" , "Judy Watson" , "Marc Wilson" , "Patricia Wilson" , "Gina Zagala" , "Greg Zimlich" , "Michelle Blanchette" , "Dave Gery" , "Steve Golledge" , "Samuel Herschbein" , "Margaret Kramer" , "Mady Lund" , "Devota Madrano" , "Eric Mehan" , "Connie Payton" , "Roger Pick" X-Mailer: Mail*Link SMTP/QM 3.0.0 Mail*Link(r) SMTP FWD>Hmmm, some handy facts... (fwd) Some handy facts:) Ray -------------------------------------- Date: 2/24/97 11:31 AM From: Raymond Gach Keep these close to the reference desk -- you never know who might ask for this info: 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321 If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, and purple. Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them used to burn their houses down - hence the expression "to get fired." Canada is an Indian word meaning "Big Village". There are two credit cards for every person in the United States. Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later. "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language. The term "the whole 9 yards" came from WWII fighter pilots in the South Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "the whole 9 yards." The most common name in the world is Mohammed. The word "samba" means "to rub navels together." The international telephone dialing code for Antarctica is 672. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher. Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots. Until 1965, driving was done on the left-hand side on roads in Sweden. The conversion to right-hand was done on a weekday at 5pm. All traffic stopped as people switched sides. This time and day were chosen to prevent accidents where drivers would have gotten up in the morning and been too sleepy to realize that *this* was the day of the changeover. The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo. Dr. Seuss pronounced "Seuss" such that it rhymed with "rejoice." In Casablanca, Humphrey Bogart never said "Play it again, Sam." Sherlock Holmes never said "Elementary, my dear Watson." More people are killed annually by donkeys than die in air crashes. The term, "It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye" is from Ancient Rome. The only rule during wrestling matches was, "No eye gouging." Everything else was allowed, but the only way to be disqualified was to poke someone's eye out. A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes. Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt. Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton. Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb. An ostrich's eye is bigger that its' brain. The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds. ------------------ RFC822 Header Follows ------------------ Received: by cheme.washington.edu with SMTP;24 Feb 1997 11:29:05 -0800 Received: from saul2.u.washington.edu (saul2.u.washington.edu [140.142.56.21]) by jason03.u.washington.edu (8.8.4+UW96.12/8.8.4+UW96.12) with ESMTP id LAA13808 for ; Mon, 24 Feb 1997 11:24:40 -0800 Received: from localhost (tolearn@localhost) by saul2.u.washington.edu (8.8.4+UW96.12/8.8.4+UW96.12) with SMTP id LAA15356 for ; Mon, 24 Feb 1997 11:27:40 -0800 (PST) Date: Mon, 24 Feb 1997 11:27:40 -0800 (PST) From: Raymond Gach To: Raymond Gach Subject: Hmmm, some handy facts... (fwd) Message-ID: MIME-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII From melski@cs.wisc.edu Mon Feb 24 15:33:23 1997 Received: from nexus.cs.wisc.edu (nexus.cs.wisc.edu [128.105.75.33]) by sea.cs.wisc.edu (8.6.12/8.6.12) with ESMTP id PAA26907 for ; Mon, 24 Feb 1997 15:33:18 -0600 Received: (from melski@localhost) by nexus.cs.wisc.edu (8.7.6/8.7.3) id PAA16281; Mon, 24 Feb 1997 15:33:16 -0600 (CST) Date: Mon, 24 Feb 1997 15:33:16 -0600 (CST) From: David Melski To: findings@nexus.cs.wisc.edu Subject: (Fwd) nb/ forward (fwd) Message-ID: MIME-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII The 1996 Best Headlines are..... New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group New Vaccine May Contain Rabies Include Your Children when Baking Cookies Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents Iraqi Head Seeks Arms Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? Prostitutes Appeal to Pope Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms Eye Drops Off Shelf Teacher Strikes Idle Kids Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told Miners Refuse to Work after Death Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant Stolen Painting Found by Tree Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Times in 10 Years Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One War Dims Hope for Peace If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures Deer Kill 17,000 Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft Kids Make Nutritious Snacks Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors From billa@fhcrc.org Wed Feb 26 11:12:07 1997 Received: from lucy.cs.wisc.edu (lucy.cs.wisc.edu [128.105.2.11]) by sea.cs.wisc.edu (8.6.12/8.6.12) with ESMTP id LAA13745 for ; Wed, 26 Feb 1997 11:12:02 -0600 Received: from bug1.fhcrc.org (bug1.fhcrc.org [140.107.10.110]) by lucy.cs.wisc.edu (8.7.6/8.7.3) with ESMTP id LAA05169 for ; Wed, 26 Feb 1997 11:11:52 -0600 (CST) Received: from spider.fhcrc.org (spider.fhcrc.org [140.107.42.20]) by bug1.fhcrc.org (8.8.5/8.8.5) with SMTP id JAA18455 for ; Wed, 26 Feb 1997 09:11:48 -0800 (PST) Received: from localhost by spider.fhcrc.org (SMI-8.6/SMI-SVR4) id JAA17824; Wed, 26 Feb 1997 09:11:45 -0800 Date: Wed, 26 Feb 1997 09:11:44 -0800 (PST) From: Bill Alford X-Sender: billa@spider To: Findings list Subject: HUM: Primordial Poker (**1/2) (fwd) Message-ID: MIME-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII ---------- Forwarded message ---------- From: Oracle Service Humor Mailing List Cc: recipient list not shown:;@qlist.synapse.net@fred Date: 24 Feb 1997 03:33:26 -0000 Subject: HUM: Primordial Poker (**1/2) Primordial Poker... Source Unknown Is each here? Does each have his opposite? I am here, but my opposite is you. Huh? Don't let him bug ya'. We're here. My opposite is not here. Is your opposite "Lies"? My opposite is "Void". He couldn't make it. >snicker< Figures! Agh! How are we going to seat five! This table is made for six! Just take out his chair and move over. Sheesh! I have the cards. I've got the chips. I have the beer. I have the cards! Shut up. ... Whose deal is it? Do ya' gotta ask that EVERY time? It is Good's deal. OK, five card draw...uh, everything is wild. How can anyone win if everything is wild? No ONE can win, but we all can call ourselves winners if... I like this game. This is pointless. It is time to deal. Here we go! Your bet, Truth. Five. Five and raise you five. Don't you morons get it? It doesn't matter how much you bet! I like ten better. >sigh< Call. I fold. YOU CAN'T LOSE! I still fold. OK, I'll call. How many, Truth? What's the point in taking more cards? I will keep the cards I have. I will take two. Why?!? I didn't like those. None for me. I'll take six. Sorry, you folded. Dealer keeps his. Bets? Oh, just get this over with. But now we have to bet! Any money you put in, you're just gonna get back! I am in agreement with Evil. Let us show our cards. I have five aces. I have five ace of spades. I have a three. Please be quiet. I also have five aces. We all win. Hold it, bub. Six aces, read'em and weep. Where did you get that card? He stole it from Chaos. You know the rules, boys. The pot's mine. That was a stupid game. Whose deal is it? The dealer progression is opposite the deal. Chaos deals. Whee! >groan< Eleven card stud-hold'em with threes, eights, jacks, and kings wild...fives count as fours, fours count as nines, and queens don't count unless there is a prime numbered spade showing... I fold... Submitted by: "She Panda" @ aol.com \\|// (o o) THE ORACLE SERVICE HUMOR MAILING LIST ~~~~~~~~~~~~oOOo~(_)~oOOo~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Steve Willoughby's E-mail: HOW TO SUBSCRIBE (It's FREE): ---------------------------- -------------------------------- oracle@synapse.net To subscribe to the Oracle's mail list send a message with only the word SUBSCRIBE in the body (not the subject) of the message to: humour-list-request@lists.synapse.net WWW Site: ------------- http://www.synapse.net/~oracle/Contents/HumorArch.html Copyright Information: ------------------------- Steven Willoughby is not the author of this piece, and does not claim to own any copyright privileges to the piece. The work has been submitted to him as an item for the humor mailing list, and he has approved it based solely upon its humor content. The list is nonprofit. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ From beaubien@majiq.com Wed Feb 26 16:20:41 1997 Received: from lucy.cs.wisc.edu (lucy.cs.wisc.edu [128.105.2.11]) by sea.cs.wisc.edu (8.6.12/8.6.12) with ESMTP id QAA24142 for ; Wed, 26 Feb 1997 16:20:30 -0600 Received: from oberon.majiq.com (firewall-user@majiq.com [204.122.20.2]) by lucy.cs.wisc.edu (8.7.6/8.7.3) with SMTP id QAA14375 for ; Wed, 26 Feb 1997 16:20:28 -0600 (CST) Received: by oberon.majiq.com; id OAA05928; Wed, 26 Feb 1997 14:14:29 -0800 Received: from titan.majiq.com(192.152.43.3) by oberon.majiq.com via smap (V3.1) id xma005921; Wed, 26 Feb 97 14:14:20 -0800 Received: by majiq.com (8.6.12/8.6.12) with SMTP id OAA25953; Wed, 26 Feb 1997 14:19:01 -0800 Message-Id: <1.5.4.32.19970226221944.00903680@titan.majiq.com> X-Sender: beaubien@titan.majiq.com X-Mailer: Windows Eudora Light Version 1.5.4 (32) Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" Date: Wed, 26 Feb 1997 14:19:44 -0800 To: gach@cheme.washington.edu From: Scott deBeaubien Subject: Re: FWD>Hmmm, some handy facts. Cc: findings@cs.wisc.edu >From a recent post to the findings list titled: "Some handy facts" ----- .. .. .. >Until 1965, driving was done on the left-hand side on roads in Sweden. The >conversion to right-hand was done on a weekday at 5pm. All traffic >stopped as people switched sides. This time and day were chosen to prevent >accidents where drivers would have gotten up in the morning and been too >sleepy to realize that *this* was the day of the changeover. .. .. .. Um, hate to disagree with this 'fact' but we have it on some pretty good authority here (two independent parties) that this information is bogus. The Swedes did in fact switch driving from the left to the right side of the road in 1965 but it was not done as reported. Rather, well, let me just post here what was written in response by my cohorts here at MAJIQ: First source: A few years ago a Swedish friend told me about the changeover. He was a teenager at the time. According to him, the change took place in the early morning hours, not at 5 pm. Prior to the changeover, crews had erected new road signs for right-hand traffic. The new signs were immediately covered. On the designated morning, at about 2 am, all regular traffic on the roads was prohibited while special crews went out and uncovered the new signs and covered the old ones. Then traffic was allowed to resume, but now on the right side of the road. Second source: When I was in Finland, I was shown a videotape about the switchover - it was done on a Sunday, during which only emergency vehicles were allowed on the road. As Ern said, the new street signs were uncovered and old signs covered in that time, in addition to road stripe re-painting (things like the passing marks), which does take time to dry after all. I agree it would be lunacy to do it at 5PM on a weekday - the traffic lights, signs, and road markings would all be wrong, and the volume would be highest. And I bet the casualties would have been too. To this - someone else thoughtfully added: "Don't believe everything you read, believe some of what you hear on radio, and almost nothing of what you see on TV." Now perhaps it seems, that we must start questioning the validity of Internet postings as well. -Scott ------------------------------------------------- From gach@cheme.washington.edu Wed Feb 26 16:30:17 1997 Received: from lucy.cs.wisc.edu (lucy.cs.wisc.edu [128.105.2.11]) by sea.cs.wisc.edu (8.6.12/8.6.12) with ESMTP id QAA24544 for ; Wed, 26 Feb 1997 16:30:11 -0600 Received: from mailhost1.cac.washington.edu (mailhost1.cac.washington.edu [140.142.32.2]) by lucy.cs.wisc.edu (8.7.6/8.7.3) with ESMTP id QAA14642 for ; Wed, 26 Feb 1997 16:30:08 -0600 (CST) Received: from cheme.washington.edu (mail.cheme.washington.edu [128.95.214.5]) by mailhost1.cac.washington.edu (8.8.4+UW96.12/8.8.4+UW96.12) with SMTP id OAA17984; Wed, 26 Feb 1997 14:28:56 -0800 Message-ID: Date: 26 Feb 1997 14:28:39 -0800 From: "Ray Gach" Subject: FWD>7 Deadly Sins To: "Bill Alford" , "Verna Blackhurst" , "Barbara Fulton" , "Curt Gach" , "Kathy Gach" , "Kimi Gach" , "Robert Gach" , "Randa Knudsen" , "Humor Listing" , "Dave Marks" , "John Romero" , "Vivian Sabiniano" , "Tara Trowbridge" , "Judy Watson" , "Marc Wilson" , "Patricia Wilson" , "Greg Zimlich" , "Michelle Blanchette" , "Dave Gery" , "Steve Golledge" , "Samuel Herschbein" , "Margaret Kramer" , "Mady Lund" , "Devota Madrano" , "Eric Mehan" , "Connie Payton" , "Shellie Ramey" X-Mailer: Mail*Link SMTP/QM 3.0.0 Mail*Link(r) SMTP FWD>7 Deadly Sins Did I send this out yet? Oh well, here it is again!! -------------------------------------- Date: 2/24/97 2:19 PM From: G. Zagala Gilligan? No way...NOT! :-) Gina Zagala Naval Science Box 353840 University of Washington gwhiz@u.washington.edu The Seven Deadly Sins of Gilligan's Island theory is quite simple. Each of the seven characters on the island represents each of the seven deadly sins. Now, this theory seems to fit upon initial inspection, there are technical difficulties when you get down to THE MAN himself, Gilligan. Run with me on this one... Most obvious is the Professor, who fits PRIDE to a T. Any man who can make a ham radio out of some wire and two coconuts has to be pretty cocky. (His character was later revised and given a series of his own, called MacGuyver".) For the sin of ENVY we need look no further than Maryann, who may have worn those skimpy little tops, but could never achieve Ginger's glamour. (As an interesting and completely irrelevant side note, a nationwide survey of college students a few years ago revealed that the professor and Maryann were voted the most likely couple to have 'done it' on the island.) And who could doubt for a moment that Ginger is LUSTincarnate? Sure, the kids were supposed to think she was ACTING, but we all know what being deprived episode after episode was doing to her. You know and I know that glazed look wasn't boredom, my friends. What kind of person takes a trunk full of money on a three-hour cruise? Mr Howell gets my vote for GREED. We are now left with three characters and three Deadly Sins. We have Gilligan, the Skipper and Mrs Howell to whom we must match GLUTTONY, SLOTH and ANGER. As you can see, there is a Gilligan problem here. Certainly we can further eliminate Mrs Howell from this equation by connecting her with SLOTH. She did jack shit during her many years on the island and everybody knows it. This leaves ANGER and GLUTTONY, either of which the Skipper had no shortage. He was, after all, a big guy with the tendency to hit Gilligan with his hat at least once an episode. After much consideration, I have decided that he can easily do double-duty, covering the two remaining Deadly Sins. So here we have the Seven Deadly Sins trapped in an endlessly recurring Hell of hope followed by denial and despair, forced to live with each other in our TVs until the last re-run ends. And who is their captor? What keeps them trapped there? Gilligan. Gilligan is SATAN. Think about it. Submitted by: Bruce Guthrie @ nmaa.org Copyright Information: ------------------------- Steven Willoughby is not the author of this piece, and does not claim to own any copyright privileges to the piece. The work has been submitted to him as an item for the humor mailing list, and he has approved it based solely upon its humor content. The list is nonprofit. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ------------------ RFC822 Header Follows ------------------ Received: by cheme.washington.edu with SMTP;24 Feb 1997 14:17:16 -0800 Received: from homer03.u.washington.edu (homer03.u.washington.edu [140.142.70.13]) by jason05.u.washington.edu (8.8.4+UW96.12/8.8.4+UW96.12) with ESMTP id OAA11844; Mon, 24 Feb 1997 14:12:44 -0800 Received: from localhost (gwhiz@localhost) by homer03.u.washington.edu (8.8.4+UW96.12/8.8.4+UW96.12) with SMTP id OAA42406; Mon, 24 Feb 1997 14:15:45 -0800 Date: Mon, 24 Feb 1997 14:15:45 -0800 (PST) From: "G. Zagala" To: Joe Sexton , Hector Gacad , James Zagala , Ray Gach Subject: 7 Deadly Sins Message-ID: MIME-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII From billa@fhcrc.org Thu Feb 27 15:56:33 1997 Received: from lucy.cs.wisc.edu (lucy.cs.wisc.edu [128.105.2.11]) by sea.cs.wisc.edu (8.6.12/8.6.12) with ESMTP id PAA17987 for ; Thu, 27 Feb 1997 15:56:29 -0600 Received: from bug1.fhcrc.org (bug1.fhcrc.org [140.107.10.110]) by lucy.cs.wisc.edu (8.7.6/8.7.3) with ESMTP id PAA10446 for ; Thu, 27 Feb 1997 15:56:27 -0600 (CST) Received: from spider.fhcrc.org (spider.fhcrc.org [140.107.42.20]) by bug1.fhcrc.org (8.8.5/8.8.5) with SMTP id NAA03173 for ; Thu, 27 Feb 1997 13:56:26 -0800 (PST) Received: from localhost by spider.fhcrc.org (SMI-8.6/SMI-SVR4) id NAA27926; Thu, 27 Feb 1997 13:56:23 -0800 Date: Thu, 27 Feb 1997 13:56:22 -0800 (PST) From: Bill Alford X-Sender: billa@spider To: Findings list Subject: The Pen is Mightier Than the Lithium Fusion Missle (fwd) Message-ID: MIME-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII ---------- Forwarded message ---------- [header chopped. This looks like it originally came through houmornet.] SUBJ: The Pen Is Mightier Than The Lithium Fusion Missile This assignment was actually turned in by two English students: Rebecca and Gary English 44A SMU Creative Writing Prof Miller In-class Assignment for Wednesday "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to reread what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached." The story begins ... --- At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The camomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So camomile was out of the question. Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to eostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit. He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterward, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities toward the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth-when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully. Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow'em out of the sky!" This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent. Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. You total $*&. Stupid %&#$! ******************************************************************** Anyone Without a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us. ******************************************************************** From billa@fhcrc.org Fri Feb 28 19:35:51 1997 Received: from lucy.cs.wisc.edu (lucy.cs.wisc.edu [128.105.2.11]) by sea.cs.wisc.edu (8.6.12/8.6.12) with ESMTP id TAA07459 for ; Fri, 28 Feb 1997 19:35:44 -0600 Received: from bug1.fhcrc.org (bug1.fhcrc.org [140.107.10.110]) by lucy.cs.wisc.edu (8.7.6/8.7.3) with ESMTP id TAA11213 for ; Fri, 28 Feb 1997 19:35:43 -0600 (CST) Received: from spider.fhcrc.org (spider.fhcrc.org [140.107.42.20]) by bug1.fhcrc.org (8.8.5/8.8.5) with SMTP id RAA14796 for ; Fri, 28 Feb 1997 17:35:42 -0800 (PST) Received: from localhost by spider.fhcrc.org (SMI-8.6/SMI-SVR4) id RAA10559; Fri, 28 Feb 1997 17:35:37 -0800 Date: Fri, 28 Feb 1997 17:35:37 -0800 (PST) From: Bill Alford X-Sender: billa@spider To: Findings list Subject: Hell: A Must Read! (humor) (fwd) Message-ID: MIME-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII ---------- Forwarded message ---------- [header snipped] A thermodynamics professor wrote a take home exam for his graduate students. It had a single question: "Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with a proof." (ie: does is release or absorb heat/energy) Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs, using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: "First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think we can safely assume that, once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their particular religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions, and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially. Now we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and the volume of hell needs to stay constant. So, if hell is not expanding, or is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose. In order to maintain the existing conditions, it must be exothermic to release the buildup. Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over. In order to maintain existing conditions, it must be endothermic to offset the internal decrease." My correspondent did not indicate the student's grade on this exam.