From gach@chemeng.cheme.washington.edu Fri Sep 29 13:14:36 1995 Received: from lucy.cs.wisc.edu by sea.cs.wisc.edu; Fri, 29 Sep 95 13:14:33 -0500; AA25335 Received: from chemeng.cheme.washington.edu by lucy.cs.wisc.edu; Fri, 29 Sep 95 13:14:25 -0500 Message-Id: Date: 29 Sep 1995 11:13:41 -0800 From: "Ray Gach" Subject: FWD>>beer (fwd) To: "Bill Alford" , "Humor Listing" , "Marc Wilson" , "Greg Zimlich" X-Mailer: Mail*Link SMTP/QM 3.0.0 Mail*Link(r) SMTP FWD>>beer (fwd) Here's one for the list. Date: 9/29/95 9:56 AM From: Angelika Mein Received: by chemeng.cheme.washington.edu with SMTP;29 Sep 1995 09:55:48 -0800 Received: from homer09.u.washington.edu by CHEVAX.CHEME.WASHINGTON.EDU; Fri, 29 Sep 95 09:51 PDT Received: by homer09.u.washington.edu (5.65+UW95.09/UW-NDC Revision: 2.33 ) id AA94411; Fri, 29 Sep 95 09:50:52 -0700 Resent-date: Fri, 29 Sep 95 09:51 PDT Date: Fri, 29 Sep 1995 09:50:50 -0700 (PDT) From: Angelika Mein Subject: beer (fwd) Resent-to: payton@chemeng.cheme.washington.edu, lund@chemeng.cheme.washington.edu To: Mady Lund , Connie Payton , Samuel Herschbein , Sanjeev Katariya , Gary Burd , Grace Colton&Gary Burd , Rod Chavez , "Shannon R. Chavez" <102071.635@compuserve.com>, McAlister Merchant , Jocelyn Garner , Rich Patterson Resent-message-id: <8E2650C1361FE07C31@CHEVAX.CHEME.WASHINGTON.EDU> Message-id: X-Sender: mein@homer09.u.washington.edu Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII X-Envelope-to: lund@chemeng.cheme.washington.edu, payton@chemeng.cheme.washington.edu X-VMS-To: Mady Lund , Connie Payton , Samuel Herschbein , Sanjeev Katariya , Gary Burd , Grace Colton&Gary Burd If Operating Systems Were Beers... DOS Beer: Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available. Mac Beer: At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan. Windows 3.1 Beer: The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it. OS/2 Beer: Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode when you open them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold. Windows 95 Beer: You can't buy it yet, but a lot of people have taste-tested it and claim it's wonderful. The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew. Windows NT Beer: Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but the company promises to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer's - after Windows 95 beer starts shipping. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars. Unix Beer: Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions, or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years. AmigaDOS Beer: The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold very well because the original manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. It originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz. cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway. VMS Beer: Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely un-beer-like contents. Best drunk in high pressure development environments. When you call the manufacturer for the list of ingredients, you're told that is proprietary and referred to an unknown listing in the manuals published by the FDA. Rumors are that this was once listed in the Physicians' Desk Reference as a tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have actually seen it. ________________________________________________________ Dr. Klaus Littmann Institut fuer Bauforschung Schinkelstrasse 3 52056 Aachen; Germany ____________________________________just my personal opinion!! From billa@muffet.cs.wisc.edu Sat Sep 30 19:41:16 1995 Received: from muffet.cs.wisc.edu by sea.cs.wisc.edu; Sat, 30 Sep 95 19:41:14 -0500; AA09947 Received: by muffet.cs.wisc.edu; Sat, 30 Sep 95 19:41:12 -0500 Date: Sat, 30 Sep 1995 19:41:07 -0500 (CDT) From: William Alford To: findings@muffet.cs.wisc.edu Subject: Camp Story (fwd) Message-Id: Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII [originator lost] **** The following appeared in a computer magazine in Mr. Dvorak's column: Dear Mr. Dvorak: Ann Landers wouldn't print this. I have nowhere else to turn. I have to get the word out. Warn other parents. I must be rambling on. Let me try and explain. It's about my son, Billy. He's always been a good, normal ten year old boy. Well, last spring we sat down after dinner to select a summer camp for Billy. We sorted through the camp brochures. There were the usual camps with swimming, canoeing, games, singing by the campfire -- you know. There were sports camps and specialty camps for weight reduction, music, military camps and camps that specialized in Tibetan knot tying. I tried to talk him into Camp Winnepoopoo. It's where he went last year. (He made an adorable picture out of painted pinto beans and macaroni). Billy would have none of it. Billy pulled a brochure out of his pocket. It was for a COMPUTER CAMP! We should have put our foot down right there, if only we had known. He left three weeks ago. I don't know what's happened. He's changed. I can't explain it. See for yourself. These are some of my little Billy's letters. Dear Mom, The kids are dorky nerds. The food stinks. The computers are the only good part. We're learning how to program. Late at night is the best time to program, so they let us stay up. Love, Billy. Dear Mom, Camp is O.K. Last night we had pizza in the middle of the night. We all get to choose what we want to drink. I drink Classic Coke. By the way, can you make Szechuan food? I'm getting used to it now. Gotta go, it's time for the flowchart class. Love, Billy. P.S. This is written on a wordprocessor. Pretty swell, huh? It's spellchecked too. Dear Mom, Don't worry. We do regular camp stuff. We told ghost stories by the glow of the green computer screens. It was real neat. I don't have much of a tan 'cause we don't go outside very often. You can't see the computer screen in the sunlight anyway. That wimp camp I went to last year fed us weird food too. Lay off, Mom. I'm okay, really. Love, Billy. Dear Mom, I'm fine. I'm sleeping enough. I'm eating enough. This is the best camp ever. We scared the counselor with some phony worm code. It was real funny. He got mad and yelled. Frederick says it's okay. Can you send more money? I spent mine on a pocket protector and a box of blank diskettes. I've got to chip in on the phone bill. Did you know that you can talk to people on a computer? Give my regards to Dad. Love, Billy. Dear Mother, Forget the money for the telephone. We've got a way to not pay. Sorry I haven't written. I've been learning a lot. I'm real good at getting onto any computer in the country. It's really easy! I got into the university's in less than fifteen minutes. Frederick did it in five, he's going to show me how. Frederick is my bunk partner. He's really smart. He says that I shouldn't call myself Billy anymore. So, I'm not. Signed, William. Dear Mother, How nice of you to come up on Parents Day. Why'd you get so upset? I haven't gained that much weight. The glasses aren't real. Everybody wears them. I was trying to fit in. Believe me, the tape on them is cool. I thought that you'd be proud of my program. After all, I've made some money on it. A publisher is sending a check for $30,000. Anyway, I've paid for then next six weeks of camp. I won't be home until late August. Regards, William. Mother, Stop treating me like a child. True -- physically I am only ten years old. It was silly of you to try to kidnap me. Do not try again. Remember, I can make your life miserable (i.e. - the bank, credit bureau, and government computers). I am not kidding. O.K.? I won't write again and this is your only warning. The emotions of this interpersonal communication drain me. Sincerely, William. See what I mean? It's been two weeks since I've heard from my little boy. What can I do, Mr.Dvorak? I know that it's probably too late to save my little Billy. But, if by printing these letters you can save JUST ONE CHILD from a life of programming, please, I beg of you to do so. Thank you very much. Sally Gates, Concerned Parent